Is Kim Jong-Ill?

Little Kim Jong-il uses bribery and tantrums to maintain his hold on North Korea. His recent outbursts may have been a very deliberate attempt to bolster his waning grasp on power by guaranteeing his minuscule self a further supply of gifts for his inner elite. By the United States and the others providing the agreed upon subsidies, his insignificant autocracy will persist and the problem of North Korea will be handed off to the next generation of world leaders.

His birth was foretold by a pigeon or some other lovely little bird. Much like Jesus, a new star appeared in the heavens to mark the birth of the great Kim Jong-il, and upon his birth, like a little leprechaun, a double rainbow happily danced above the blessed mountain where Kim took his first wee breaths. We idolize and worship you, Kim Jong-il, or so he would expect. Kim was the first son of a Korean refugee, the captain of a Soviet Rifle brigade made up of Chinese and Korean refugees in the Russian Far East.

Following the close of WWII Jong-il’s father, Kim Il-sung, returned to Pyongyang from the Soviet Union. Backed by the Soviets, Il-sung became the leader of the Provisional People’s Committee, and later through purges, intrigue, and assassinations, he became the head of the Communist Party in the Korean north. Later, when the Soviets established the new state of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (otherwise known as North Korea), the older Kim was appointed Prime Minister. Kim the younger took the reigns following his deified father’s death.

The miraculously born despot has a few apparent phobias including pteromerhanophobia - fear of flying (he travels by armored train), migrusiphobia - fear of being small of stature (he stands 5’3” tall), and athazagoraphobia - fear of being forgotten or ignored (his face and image are on display in every venue in North Korea). Kim Jong-il also has serious problems keeping his vast masculinity under control. The miniature dictator has fathered several children within his several marriages, and fathered several more by numerous mistresses, lovers and secretaries.

Kim’s modest regime stays afloat by the means of its criminal enterprise. As a result of sanctions on his country, Kim engages in the illegal trades of drugs and weapons, extensive money laundering, and counterfeiting, and several other endeavors of a questionable nature. His people starve to death by the millions (more than 2 million to be more precise) and he uses his illicit income to garner support from his military elite. These Kim pays off with imported (or smuggled) food items, liquors, automobiles, prostitutes, homes, income, etc.

Suspicions are rising in the larger outside world that Kim’s hold on power may be, or may have been, in jeopardy. For this reason he recently provoked world indignation by launching missiles and detonating nuclear devices (size doesn’t matter). Such acts, some suspect, were aimed directly at obtaining further financial and material subsidies from the world outside his little micro-cosmos. Recently, the world succumbed to the mounting pressure to deal with the mini-man and proffered many thousands of tons of supplies in all varieties, heavy fuel oil being chief among them. Although Kim may be backed into a corner regarding his hold on power and his people's lack of basic sustenance in his miniature far east, he may have won out once again against the world at large in his efforts to maintain his cult of personality. The reality is that by giving him the subsidies he is looking for, it is the world that is sustaining his iron grip on power, rather than his commanding physique.